what is my life really about?
What is my life about? I hope that the answer to this question is evident to everyone who knows me or has spent time with me.
These questions* challenge me to honestly evaluate if I'm living my life accordingly. Take a moment to see what the answers to these questions say about your life.
1) For what do you sacrifice money?
2) When you're hurt, where do you go for comfort?
3) What disappoints you or frustrates you the most?
4) What is it that gets you really excited?
Here is my best attempt at answering these questions for myself:
1) For what do you sacrifice money?
Show me your bank account, and I'll tell you what you value. Money is a necessary part of life, although I wish I didn't have to depend on it so much. I have always sought out jobs that are meaningful and something that I believe in. This usually falls into the nonprofit category, meaning that I don't make a lot of money. But I have chosen to live simply so that I can pay my bills and still give generously. I strive to support my church/ministry, community, and friends. I like to have the ability to give if needs arise.
2) When you're hurt, where do you go for comfort?
In recent months, I think that I've tried to distract myself from hurt by going out with friends and trying to forget what I'm going through. Ultimately, that doesn't heal my heart or solve my problems. So I end up turning to God, usually in tears. I am so grateful for wonderful family and friends who have helped me process my thoughts and emotions during difficult times.
3) What disappoints or frustrates you the most?
I am disappointed when things don't turn out the way that I had hoped or expected. That is why I was a pessimist for so long. I didn't want to get my hopes up if I would only feel crushed when things didn't work out. In light of some recent hardships, I've chosen to daily give up my expectations and hopes to ask God what He wants from my life.
4) What is it that gets you really excited?
I am most excited when I am talking about the transformation that Jesus has done in my life, especially in this last year. I also come alive when I spend time with the girls that I mentor, hearing their hopes and dreams, listening to their prayers. I also love when I am able to help someone in the community get connected with a resource needed, especially when it's related to education. I believe that my God-given purpose/calling in life is to be a voice for those who don't have a voice. To be an advocate, especially for the immigrant and refugee. So I am full of excitement when I am living out my calling in life.
I am trying my best to live an intentional life. I want my every action to reflect what I value and what I prioritize in my life. I hope that these questions can also challenge you to live a more intentional life.
These questions* challenge me to honestly evaluate if I'm living my life accordingly. Take a moment to see what the answers to these questions say about your life.
1) For what do you sacrifice money?
2) When you're hurt, where do you go for comfort?
3) What disappoints you or frustrates you the most?
4) What is it that gets you really excited?
Here is my best attempt at answering these questions for myself:
1) For what do you sacrifice money?
Show me your bank account, and I'll tell you what you value. Money is a necessary part of life, although I wish I didn't have to depend on it so much. I have always sought out jobs that are meaningful and something that I believe in. This usually falls into the nonprofit category, meaning that I don't make a lot of money. But I have chosen to live simply so that I can pay my bills and still give generously. I strive to support my church/ministry, community, and friends. I like to have the ability to give if needs arise.
2) When you're hurt, where do you go for comfort?
In recent months, I think that I've tried to distract myself from hurt by going out with friends and trying to forget what I'm going through. Ultimately, that doesn't heal my heart or solve my problems. So I end up turning to God, usually in tears. I am so grateful for wonderful family and friends who have helped me process my thoughts and emotions during difficult times.
3) What disappoints or frustrates you the most?
I am disappointed when things don't turn out the way that I had hoped or expected. That is why I was a pessimist for so long. I didn't want to get my hopes up if I would only feel crushed when things didn't work out. In light of some recent hardships, I've chosen to daily give up my expectations and hopes to ask God what He wants from my life.
4) What is it that gets you really excited?
I am most excited when I am talking about the transformation that Jesus has done in my life, especially in this last year. I also come alive when I spend time with the girls that I mentor, hearing their hopes and dreams, listening to their prayers. I also love when I am able to help someone in the community get connected with a resource needed, especially when it's related to education. I believe that my God-given purpose/calling in life is to be a voice for those who don't have a voice. To be an advocate, especially for the immigrant and refugee. So I am full of excitement when I am living out my calling in life.
I am trying my best to live an intentional life. I want my every action to reflect what I value and what I prioritize in my life. I hope that these questions can also challenge you to live a more intentional life.
At some point in this last year, I became the person who always used to annoy me. The person who is so full of joy and is always posting positive things on social media. If you didn't know me before my surgery, you may find it hard to believe that I used to be a huge pessimist.
I actually remember lying on an "about me" project in second grade to say that I was an optimist, even though I knew that I wasn't. (I used a sunshine happy face with sunglasses to represent my favorite season, summer, as well as my optimistic attitude.)
My life has been full of struggles. Poverty, family health issues, etc. I hated to hope because I knew that bad things would happen to me and that I would be let down. However, since my diagnosis and surgery last August, I realized that I couldn't control what was happening to me and around me. So I needed to focus on what I could control: my attitude. Bad things happen all the time, but I could still find positive elements in the midst of the pain. I could see God's hands on my life, even in the worst situations. On a very practical level, of what benefit would it be for me or for anyone else around me if I were to be angry or bitter about something I couldn't control?
That is when I started talking about #practicegratitude. Instead of asking "why me?" with my brain tumor diagnosis, I thanked God for providing me with the best neurosurgeon in the country. Instead of being angry at the doctor who misdiagnosed me for two and a half months, I chose to thank God for using that time to strengthen my faith and to prepare me for the rough times ahead.
Once I made this intentional shift in attitude, I started to experience inexplicable joy and freedom. I used to live my life captive to fear (fear of failure, fear of what others thought about me, fear of the unknown, etc.). I could and probably will write a whole separate blog post about that. But once I shifted my attitude to one of gratitude, I realized that even when I made huge mistakes, I could laugh and be grateful for the lessons that I was learning. Previously I would have felt so terrible about myself and would have had a really difficult time getting over those mistakes.
Let me be honest with you. It is often very challenging for me to be grateful and positive. The hardest year of my life isn't over yet. Recovery has been much more difficult than I could have imagined. But I don't want to return to my former way of life. I want to choose joy and freedom. So I am very intentional about reminding myself about all the reasons that I have to be grateful. Many of the Instagram or Facebook posts you see are actually because I desperately need those reminders. This is also why I am such a big proponent of journaling. My journal entries remind me that no matter how I am feeling, God is faithful and that He will not leave my side.
Even now, I find myself in a place of much uncertainty. I've been feeling discouraged and disillusioned. So I've made an effort to write thank you notes during some of these low moments. It's such an easy way to bring a smile to my face or joyful tears to my eyes! In my prayers that I journal, I talk to God about all the things that are troubling me, but then I make sure to thank Him for the lessons that I am learning or hopefully will learn through these trials.
Please know that I am still struggling. For every one #practicegratitude post, there are probably five complaining posts that I have churning in my head. I am not ignoring or downplaying the difficult moments. I am instead choosing to be grateful in the midst of them.
I actually remember lying on an "about me" project in second grade to say that I was an optimist, even though I knew that I wasn't. (I used a sunshine happy face with sunglasses to represent my favorite season, summer, as well as my optimistic attitude.)
My life has been full of struggles. Poverty, family health issues, etc. I hated to hope because I knew that bad things would happen to me and that I would be let down. However, since my diagnosis and surgery last August, I realized that I couldn't control what was happening to me and around me. So I needed to focus on what I could control: my attitude. Bad things happen all the time, but I could still find positive elements in the midst of the pain. I could see God's hands on my life, even in the worst situations. On a very practical level, of what benefit would it be for me or for anyone else around me if I were to be angry or bitter about something I couldn't control?
That is when I started talking about #practicegratitude. Instead of asking "why me?" with my brain tumor diagnosis, I thanked God for providing me with the best neurosurgeon in the country. Instead of being angry at the doctor who misdiagnosed me for two and a half months, I chose to thank God for using that time to strengthen my faith and to prepare me for the rough times ahead.
Once I made this intentional shift in attitude, I started to experience inexplicable joy and freedom. I used to live my life captive to fear (fear of failure, fear of what others thought about me, fear of the unknown, etc.). I could and probably will write a whole separate blog post about that. But once I shifted my attitude to one of gratitude, I realized that even when I made huge mistakes, I could laugh and be grateful for the lessons that I was learning. Previously I would have felt so terrible about myself and would have had a really difficult time getting over those mistakes.
Let me be honest with you. It is often very challenging for me to be grateful and positive. The hardest year of my life isn't over yet. Recovery has been much more difficult than I could have imagined. But I don't want to return to my former way of life. I want to choose joy and freedom. So I am very intentional about reminding myself about all the reasons that I have to be grateful. Many of the Instagram or Facebook posts you see are actually because I desperately need those reminders. This is also why I am such a big proponent of journaling. My journal entries remind me that no matter how I am feeling, God is faithful and that He will not leave my side.
Even now, I find myself in a place of much uncertainty. I've been feeling discouraged and disillusioned. So I've made an effort to write thank you notes during some of these low moments. It's such an easy way to bring a smile to my face or joyful tears to my eyes! In my prayers that I journal, I talk to God about all the things that are troubling me, but then I make sure to thank Him for the lessons that I am learning or hopefully will learn through these trials.
Please know that I am still struggling. For every one #practicegratitude post, there are probably five complaining posts that I have churning in my head. I am not ignoring or downplaying the difficult moments. I am instead choosing to be grateful in the midst of them.
I have a headache, indicating that something is wrong. My body needs more rest, because I did not sleep well the past couple of nights. I've been contemplating some big life changes, and nighttime is when all these thoughts come to mind and often interfere with my sleep.
My headache reminds me that just one year ago, I had the worst headache that would not go away. I would vomit up to seven times a day out of pain. I kept telling my parents that I wanted to poke a needle behind my right eye to relieve the pressure. I could not sleep without multiple ice packs around my head to try and numb the pain.
This headache didn't go away until two and half months later, after I had neurosurgery to remove the baseball-sized brain tumor that was causing the pressure. Unfortunately, I still couldn't sleep. The doctors gave me many medications to try and help with this. It wasn't until I got off all of those medications in December, nearly six months later, that I was finally able to sleep well.
Prior to my surgery, I didn't value sleep enough. I would stay up as late as possible because I never wanted the day to end. I would wake up early and drink multiple cups of coffee to keep going. I loved it. I thought that I didn't need sleep. I worked a lot, served a lot. I got a lot done. I thought that I was thriving. But deep down, I knew that I wasn't taking care of myself. I knew that I needed to make some changes.
At some point in April 2014, I took a piece of paper and wrote down my priorities. I was determined to rearrange my time commitments to match my priorities. I thought that I would begin that summer. God has a funny sense of humor. I like to say that He gave me a friendly "push" in the right direction.
Here I am, one year later, trying to realign my life with my priorities again. I want to live intentionally, to not waste time.
This headache didn't go away until two and half months later, after I had neurosurgery to remove the baseball-sized brain tumor that was causing the pressure. Unfortunately, I still couldn't sleep. The doctors gave me many medications to try and help with this. It wasn't until I got off all of those medications in December, nearly six months later, that I was finally able to sleep well.
Prior to my surgery, I didn't value sleep enough. I would stay up as late as possible because I never wanted the day to end. I would wake up early and drink multiple cups of coffee to keep going. I loved it. I thought that I didn't need sleep. I worked a lot, served a lot. I got a lot done. I thought that I was thriving. But deep down, I knew that I wasn't taking care of myself. I knew that I needed to make some changes.
At some point in April 2014, I took a piece of paper and wrote down my priorities. I was determined to rearrange my time commitments to match my priorities. I thought that I would begin that summer. God has a funny sense of humor. I like to say that He gave me a friendly "push" in the right direction.
Here I am, one year later, trying to realign my life with my priorities again. I want to live intentionally, to not waste time.
Here they are, in order:
1) God - spend time in His word and in prayer
1) God - spend time in His word and in prayer
2) My health - set aside alone time; sleep well; exercise regularly; eat well
3) Family - go to weekly family lunches and call parents/siblings during the week
3) Family - go to weekly family lunches and call parents/siblings during the week
4) Friends - make quality time for those closest to me on a regular basis; keep in touch when not able to spend time together
5) Church - attend church services when possible; keep in touch with my church family (see #4)
6) Job - my job is not my life; go home after the work day is done
6) Job - my job is not my life; go home after the work day is done
7) Community - help serve the community whenever I can
Several notes: I don't think that I prioritized health as high on my list last year as I have it now. But I've come to realize that I need to take care of myself to be able to give to others. Please also notice that God and church are not the same thing. My faith in Christ is not dependent upon attending church, but I do need the support of the church community and enjoy the fellowship. Lastly, I am trying my best to not define my life by my job. I am confident in the purpose and calling that God has given me. This can be seen through every aspect of my life, not just in my job.
Several notes: I don't think that I prioritized health as high on my list last year as I have it now. But I've come to realize that I need to take care of myself to be able to give to others. Please also notice that God and church are not the same thing. My faith in Christ is not dependent upon attending church, but I do need the support of the church community and enjoy the fellowship. Lastly, I am trying my best to not define my life by my job. I am confident in the purpose and calling that God has given me. This can be seen through every aspect of my life, not just in my job.
I once came across a quote that really resonated with me from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath:
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
No comments:
Post a Comment